Episode 7 & 8: The Titans & Prometheus
Inspiration for The Mummy—and Hercules makes his first appearance!
SEASON 1, EPISODE 7: THE TITANS
DEVIN:
Okay, so we again open in a clearing in the woods (quelle surprise!) where Xena is about to ambush a goon named Hesiod and his gang. She passes Argo to Gabrielle (“take care of the horse” “want a snack?”) and runs off to a series of very silly stunts. She downs the goons but Hesiod gets away. She whistles for the horse twice, but nothing. Gabrielle has tangled his reins but finally walks up, and Xena is annoyed Hesiod’s got a headstart. “Don’t be sorry Gabrielle, just improve.” Rude! Off they trot, and Gabrielle is left behind. She hears a bunch of women chanting in ancient Greek according to the subtitles but it sounds like Italian to me!
Anyway, Gabrielle finds a group of hooded weirdos in a cave trying out some sort of mysterious incantation in Greek and/or Italian. “The rhythms” are wrong, she interrupts! “That’s a Dorian chant and she’s using Ionian rhythms.” Okay nerd!
I mean maybe it’s just me but if you come across a bunch of people in blood red hoods chanting in a cave maybe you don’t want to help them with their magic spells without asking what they’re for? That was always what I was always told about doing magic with strangers anyway.
It turns out Gabrielle (as the local virgin who used the correct rhythms) has awoken the TITANS and now she controls them. This is probably bad news.
Meanwhile, Xena has tracked down Hesiod and is about to one against 12, when who arrives with her local giants but Gabrielle. “Disperse these ruffians!” she cries! Incidentally, my latest line when I come across maskless people in groups larger than 5.
Gabrielle is quite enjoying her new power, except for the fact the Titans keep referring to her as a virgin, as it’s a bit personal! Luckily the Titans are cool about these boundaries. Until she asks them to go clear some roads. The Titans (and Titaness! I don’t think that’s what we call a female Titan but who am I to say) are already bored with their new chores.
Back at our favourite local bar, Xena’s a bit worried about Gabrielle’s abilities to keep the Titans in check, especially if they figure out she’s not a goddess. Maybe there’s a reason they were encased in stone, ya know?
As the Titans try to figure out where to eat, they suspect she’s not a goddess after all and then the one angry Titan, Hyperion (the only one with a name, so far) does the ol’ blow test: he leans down and blows at her until she falls over. Why, she’s not a goddess at all! Just as Xena steps in as the “goddess’s protector” Hyperion tries to STOMP her -- not cool and she stabs him in the foot. Chaos ensues, but they escape.
Back at the cave, all is not well with the Titans, there is some drama. Hyperion tries to make Creon jealous by awkwardly fondling Thea, the Titaness. It’s a bit depressing. Anyway, Hyperion wants to kill Xena because there’s another chant they need the little virgin goddess for. The townspeople, who are all hiding awkwardly in the temple while they try to figure out what to do, grow restless and worried. Several kids who are out on a walk with their local priest (sidenote: UH OH NOT A GOOD SIGN) are missing. They’ve been accosted by Hyperion and separated from the priest. The kids end up in the cave, and Hyperion threatens to STOMP THEM when Creon interferes to save them! The Titans are fighting! Stalactites are falling! Thea is gasping and groaning! The children are screaming! Crius (this is actually his name I just haven’t kept track all episode!) is SAVAGELY MURDERED BY HYPERION STABBING HIM WITH A BROKEN STALACTITE.
Pause to catch your breath.
Just as Xena gets the kids to safety and takes them back to the temple they’re hiding in, the townsfolk -- led by Hesiod -- catch her with a net. Man these people suck. They throw Xena in a cart and take her to Hyperion, who’s soothing Thea, but Xena escapes and Hyperion smooshes Hesiod with his fist. Goodbye for real this time Hesiod. But Hyperion and Thea continue to fight in the cave, it turns out the cave is FULL of sleeping Titans and he wants to awaken them to fight the Olympus gods.
Okay so this is fun and I can’t remember if this show explores the Titan/Olympic battle of gods as it goes on. Traditionally the Titans were the original Greek gods before the Olympian gods took over (that’s my, um, 10pm-on-a-Wednesday-quick-take on ancient Greek mythology, feel free to jump in).
Anyway, Xena gets back and Gabrielle and her new friend want to use her Ionic rhythms to wake the other Titans, I think. Xena thinks it’s a bad idea, and then Gabrielle goes off and maybe sleeps with the local boy who’s name I literally have not bothered to watch for this entire time! I am *shocked*! But like, get it girl? I guess? Xena wakes them up “it’s time” for the plan I haven’t followed and Gabrielle is pissed that Xena doesn’t appreciate her. She sneaks out to the Titans’ cave.
It’s a trap! Hyperion and Thea have caught Gabrielle in a cage. They want her to read the chants, but she’s stalling with -- oh hey! The story of the Titans and the Olympians! Thank you Gabrielle. (“I was just getting to Prometheus” she says, annoyed when they interrupt to request the chants again -- btw see you next episode, Prometheus ;) ) The chant isn’t working because oh shit Gabrielle isn’t a virgin anymore! Honestly this was about to be the most anti-climactic but also satisfying virginity story on 90s television but it turns out she was just chanting poorly on purpose and she’s still a virgin, she didn’t sleep with the guy whose name I never knew. Oh well. She manages to trap the Titans back in the stone by reading the correct chant, still a virgin. Her and Xena make up and live to fight another day.
SAGAN:
My first thought while watching this episode: What gymnastics school did Xena go to? Damn.
Also: Fun fact! Hesiod, the “goon” you identified at the beginning of this episode, was a poet who created the Theogony: a poem that describes the origin/genealogy (I think?) about the Titans. Thanks, Google! Thanks, Xena writers, for that foreshadowing, 2 minutes before we’re introduced to the Titans!
I lol’d watching the beginning when Gabrielle is talking about Ionian rhythms and says offhandedly, “You just put the emphasis on the first syllable.” She’s always so casual about all of her knowledge and talents.
The one-liners in this episode are on point:
“This is Xena! She’s my best friend!” - Gabrielle to the Titans
“I”d rather you not tell everyone I’m a virgin. It’s kinda personal, you know?” - also Gabrielle to the Titans
“I’ll see you when your chores are done.” - ALSO also Gabrielle to the Titans
The Titans had no idea what they were getting themselves into when Gabrielle awakened them.
There were two homages in this episode that I really appreciated: First, the whole thing where Xena stabs the Titan in the foot totally reminds me of the Once Upon A Time episode with the giants being attacked by Jack (Jorge Garcia is delightful as the only surviving giant in that show, by the way).
And second, the part of Xena shouting out the part from the parchment is TOTALLY reminiscent of the iconic scene that takes place in both The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, when one person is trying to shout out the spell from the Book of Amun-Ra to the other person in order to kill Imhotep.
SIDEBAR: I know we ALL remember those awesome scenes, but in case you’re reading this now and haven’t seen The Mummy or The Mummy Returns, in which case **what are you even doing with your life**—or, if you’re like me and just wanted to rewatch those scenes again—you can see those clips placed back-to-back HERE. You’re welcome.
It’s cool to see more recent pop culture that was likely inspired by Xena’s campiness. Xena walked so The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and Once Upon A Time could run.
DEVIN:
What I do appreciate is the little tidbits of real mythology that are occasionally included in these -- thank you for the Hesiod google! That’s a fun one, actually. I feel at this point in the first season they’re really hitting their stride. Gabrielle consistently kills her one liners, the loose Greek mythology parallels are in full swing, I’m here for it! I am really looking forward to future cameos by various gods, and I think we’re about to get them soon.
I, um, gave up on Once Upon a Time after the second season. It was too much but -- oh wait, look at me now.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
Aye aye aye ayes - 3.
How come they always refer to the horse as “the horse” when CLEARLY his name is Argo.
SEASON 1, EPISODE 8: PROMETHEUS
SAGAN:
It’s a watermelon.
That’s right: We begin this episode with the most delightfully campy opener yet: a group of miscreants creep up on Xena & Gabrielle unawares while they’re sleeping, and one of them chops off “Xena’s” head… only to discover it’s a decoy! It’s a watermelon with a wig, not her head at all!
Xena attacks them from her hiding place and takes care of the miscreants while Gabrielle sleeps soundlessly. One of the miscreants *almost* dies, but Xena saves him:
“Your windpipe’s broken. I’ll have to cut you a new breather,” she says, before plunging her knife into his throat and apparently saving his life. What? Is that how science works?
BUT WAIT: Suddenly, that dude and another both drop like flies! Xena identifies some distant roars as Prometheus screaming (how does she know?), and this, as everyone knows, indicates that Prometheus has been bound, and therefore “we can’t heal ourselves,” which somehow explains why both guys just randomly died.
Xena and Gabrielle seek an oracle who can help them deal with Prometheus. They come across dancing women (one of them is the oracle and they’re protecting Prometheus? I missed this part of the mythology), and once again the dancing seems pretty appropriative.
Anyway, Xena is supposed to go into some creepy tunnel to find a key, WHICH, BY THE WAY, is totally reminiscent of the cave in the 2012 precursor film to Alien movies, Prometheus! That can’t possibly be a coincidence. I sincerely hope that the people who produced Prometheus were in part inspired by this episode of Xena.
Turns out Xena didn’t need to go into the cave at all because it was a test (?), and the lead dancer (oracle?) tells Xena she’s passed that test, so she gives her directions for the next steps on their quest (to track down a magical sword in a labyrinth—it’s the only weapon that can destroy the chains constraining Prometheus).
Xena tries to tell Gabrielle that she might not always be there for her, and Gabrielle offhandedly mentions that in that case, she’d become a bard. Devin, this totally relates back to your vague memory that Gabrielle wants to be an author!
Cut scene to Prometheus, who is having a silent conversation with Hera—it turns out she’s the one who has bound him. The only glimpse we have of her is giant eyes in the sky, which feels like the epitome of the 90s.
Xena enters a labyrinth, defeats some guy dressed up like Loki, and is then chased through the booby-trapped maze by a bunch of guards. Xena stumbles across the sword and pulls it out of the sword a la King Arthur, and then leaves the labyrinth to come face to face with… Hercules!
They immediately begin fighting because he wants the sword.
Calm down, Kevin Sorbo, you’re no match for Lucy—as we discover IMMEDIATELY because off goes Xena with her sword.
Then we get a super cute moment of Gabrielle meeting Hercules’s best friend, Iolaus, who I had totally forgotten about, but we must have seen him a million times while watching Hercules in the 90s. Anyway, this is a pivotal moment, because Gabrielle asks him how he handles being best friends with a hero, and he says he fights alongside Hercules. As we all know, Gabrielle undergoes a pretty epic transformation (where is her cute outfit and her iconic quarterstaff??), so I can only assume that it began with this moment…
Hercules resolves his issues in a 5-second therapy session with his bestie, so they go and help Xena fend off Hera’s minions. That’s when they realize that whoever frees Prometheus will die, and our four heroes continue their quest to where Prometheus is chained, while Xena and Hercules argue over which one of them will sacrifice themselves. I notice that Gabrielle and Iolaus are very silent during this conversation (needless to say, I am 100% a Gabrielle, not a Xena).
Xena tricks Hercules and manages a solo trip up the mountain to get to Prometheus, where she comes across a bunch of dudes bursting out of eggs. Mama bird comes along and tries to take Xena on a tour of the cliffs (Sidebar: If the creature who laid the eggs is a legit bird, why aren’t they birds who hatch out of the eggs? Why are they men? Or are the actors supposed to be dressed up as birds and it’s just really poorly done? I have questions), but Xena manages to drop the sword and Hercules pushes it over to Prometheus, who frees himself—thus creating a handy loophole where no one needs to die, after all! End scene.
DEVIN:
Okay I have to say I am extremely impressed you managed to fit that recap succinctly in a page and a half because dear lord the amount of plot in this episode is absolutely absurd. I had pages of notes, there is So Much Happening and I could not keep up. For example, I, too, missed the link between the oracle and Prometheus, I wrote “Does she know Prometheus?” (about both the oracle? Xena? No idea!) because this extra 3 minute scene was very silly and I looked away for 3 seconds and totally lost track of what was going on. I think that there was a candle burning a rope holding open a skeleton dragon skull that had a pulley that contained a tablet covered in ancient writing that you had to prove you were will to sacrifice yourself for that turned out to BE A TEST (I’m sorry also what does that have to do with oracle-ing? idk!) that literally took longer for me to write and rewind to figure out what on earth was happening than the moment itself.
Anywho -- the theme of this episode is… crossovers? I also shrieked when Iolaus interrupted Gabrielle’s souvenir haggling because I too completely forgot he ever existed. The funny thing is I think we watched way more Hercules than Xena as kids because we came across it earlier and yet I literally did not remember this character and his adorable quilted vest and shiny muscly torso at all. Is he cute? I can’t decide? I think so?
Anyway, we must also mention that Prometheus is being held on Vulcan Mountain (lol), I briefly googled this but I don’t believe there is a classical connection. Speaking of Prometheus, I think a producer discovered a tiny CGI budget for this episode and proceeded to blow it all on Hera’s peacock-feather-filled eyes in the sky, and the horrific eagle? Is the eagle meant to be the one that is eating Prometheus’ liver for eternity? It then picks up Xena and flies her all over what I can only describe as Rohan before she ties a rope to its feet and then -- I honestly don’t know the point of this -- dropped herself anyway and then dropped the sword and then Hercules caught the sword by deflecting it with a huge rock (???) so no one turned to ash when wielding the sword and then caught Xena as she fell miles and miles from the sky. Did we mention the additional plot piece about how whoever uses the sword gets melted into ash? Finally, WHO ARE THE MEN IN THE EGGS I ALSO YELLED.
Point being, after watching this episode and reading your review I think we need to organize watch parties immediately, we clearly have the exact same reaction to everything happening at any given time.
Some final thoughts because my head is still spinning from everything that I just watched:
This episode kind of made me want to watch the ‘prequel’ episodes when Xena guest starred in Hercules, because there’s a lot of backstory I don’t remember. However I also don’t really give a shit about Hercules so maybe I won’t bother.
The confusing romantic overtones just felt icky. Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo have fine ‘old friends’ energy but watching them kiss and confess totally random feelings for each other didn’t make sense. Renee O’Connor and whoever plays Iolaus (I didn’t watch for his name in the opening credits because, as mentioned, I literally forgot he existed) had way more chemistry and were more believable. However I also think it’s pretty obvious that the subtext here from Gabrielle’s terrible first attempt at a story about soulmates was that she and Xena are soulmates, and Hercules and Iolaus are soulmates. That’s meant to be obvious to everyone but them, right?
I also wrote “Is Prometheus a giant???” but I don’t think I can even google that, my search history would die of mortification.
The Bard Academy in Athens sounds great though.
SAGAN:
Oh my god I am CACKLING while reading your thoughts because, yes, we 100% have the exact same reaction to EVERYTHING.
The “romance” between Xena and Hercules is so bad—it just feels weird to watch when they’re making out! There is zero sexual chemistry between them (they have decent chemistry as actors, but it isn’t remotely sexual).
When Iolaus is wounded, Xena tells him that the only chance he has is to **rest in order to heal.** And, yes! This is great advice! We should all take it to heart… Slow down and take care of yourself: Xena’s orders.
OK, first of all, yes, cutting into the windpipe when it is smashed IS a medical thing! It is called a tracheotomy.
Second.....don't know if you want the spoilers or not, but here goes...I did indeed watch the three (?) episodes in Hercules that give the back story to Xena (well, sort of...I still have LOTS of questions about her.....is she truly a princess? where/how did she get her power? what gymnastics school did she attend?...etc.) before I started watching the Xena episodes. In those prequels: Xena takes Iolaus as her lover for at least a week (maybe longer?) and he is VERY smitten with her; then they break up (she has been using him all along to get to Hercules because she wants to kill Hercules); then she actually kind of falls for Hercules (He shows her how to be kind and make a positive difference in the world) and then THEY (Hercules and Xena) become lovers! So, all the looks that Hercules and Iolaus and Xena give each other in episode 8 are because they all know they all slept with each other. I think Iolaus now realizes Xena is out of his league, but it sure looks like he is smitten with Gabrielle, and maybe vice versa?
And yes, Gabrielle's' cute outfits and fighting staff/hitting stick are coming up in near-future episodes. (I just finished Season 1, episode 19, so WAY ahead of you two ;)