Season 1, Episode 9: Death in Chains
DEVIN:
Okay I didn’t think the name of this episode would be so literal, but it is! In the Sisyphean myth, King Sisyphus is punished with his famous task of rolling a stone up a hill for eternity as a punishment for cheating death twice, and thinking himself more clever than Zeus. In the Xena: Warrior Princess universe, this cleverness is translated into… Sisyphus is a magician.
Anyway, in the dead of night, Death has arrived to take away Sisyphus (in the myth it’s because Sisyphus was not a good dude and killed travelers who stayed at his house. This is glossed over in the show!) and instead of going with her, Sisyphus traps her and chains her to the table, separating her from her eternal flame, which is now in danger of burning out. Death is In Chains.
Meanwhile Xena and Gabrielle are walking through an apple orchard which seems to be the most delightful place in the world, people are hanging out, having picnics, making out (?) when they’re interrupted by Toxeus, who wants Xena to join his crew. No thank you! They fight, she kills him. “Another wasted death,” Xena says bitterly as they walk away. But he’s still alive! Dun dun dunnn.
As our heroines continue on their walk through the New Zealand woods, HADES, GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD rolls up on an earthquake in a cart that also has serious Loki vibes (maybe leftover stuff from last week’s costumes?). He’s looking quite young and cool actually, with a jaunty cape. But Hades has a problem. Death is his sister Celesta, and if her eternal flame burns out, there will be eternal suffering for all mankind! Xena must go free her.
Considering how often Xena and Gabrielle are escaping Death on the regular, you’d think they’d be a bit less excited about ensuring everyone can die, but for the rest of the episode they only encounter people who should die. First, within approximately 2 minutes of leaving Hades, they come across a bunch of people dying in a meadow. Usually, our girls would be horrified! But it turns out it was a “rockslide in Cadmus,” according to a local Irish man (?) who survived. “The others are old or sick… death will give him his release.” Well really. Later at a hospital, Gabrielle and this week’s cute young man, Talus with a Minnesotan accent, just find a bunch of old people who are sweetly waiting for death but can’t die so long as Death Is In Chains.
Then meanwhile, a resurrected Toxeus also kills his entire old crew and sets the, er, undead guys after Xena in an attempt to keep Death In Chains and obviously need to be killed immediately. Basically, for once, no one needs to stay alive really in this episode other than our heroines. They finally make it to Corinth and spend some time running all over Sisyphus’ booby-trapped castle (because again, he is apparently a magician), falling through trap doors, hanging off of skeletons, and having Last Crusade-style interactions with rats (both crawling along a ledge behind Gabrielle while she hides and falling by the bucketful onto Xena and Talus in a storm drain).
But finally the shoe drops. It turns out Talus has a heart condition and has gotta die, asap! Sisyphus’ wife, Karis, feels bad and Sisyphus realizes he’s been a selfish beast. Despite Toxeus’ final attempts to stop them, Death is finally free and reunited with her eternal flame. Toxeus and his army of undead drop all around them. But Gabrielle is devastated, not young, handsome, story-telling Talus! But sadly, it’s his time right now, rather than Sisyphus!
I’m sorry, what? Sisyphus can’t just go around cheating death constantly and then stay free. What about his uphill rock rolling? When’s that gonna happen? Death just put out like 8 people at once surely she can take another two rather than one? Or couldn’t Talus wait for a full on heart attack or something? But no, it’s time--for him only. Talus is led off into the blue light rather than falling dead like Toxeus and co. because he is sweet and good and death is simply the next adventure.
SAGAN:
First thought when we see our heroines: Gabrielle’s outfit is so cute! It’s like a stepping stone to her next outfit, the cute little green crop top I’m waiting to show up. (...That’s the outfit I always remembered her wearing, anyway.)
I love how Hades introduces himself as God of the Underworld, JUST IN CASE viewers have never heard of Hades before. This show is great at Greek Mythology 101.
“Some guys never give up,” Xena re: Toxeus, when he comes back from the dead.
“Like I said, Xena… I don’t take no for an answer,” he replies. DUDE, read the room. Learn about consent!!
The way this episode portrays death is satisfying, in a way—I mean, yeah, the only people who apparently DON’T want to die are Xena and Gabrielle, buuuut the way that it views death as a natural occurrence and a release of pain is kind of nice. It’s different than expected. The approach they take is that death is a neutral thing—it just happens. There aren’t many stories that portray it quite like this.
“Tell me where Death is, or I’ll make your eternity a living hell!”
“Time is the one thing I don’t have,” Xena says.
“On the contrary… time is the ONLY thing you have!” Sisyphus replies.
Touché, Sisyphus! That’s a good line. And a good sentiment!
Also—OF COURSE we had exactly the same thought on the rats! My notes read: The way Xena says, “Rats,” with disgust when they tumble on top of her TOTALLY reminded me of Indiana Jones and him grimly saying, “Snakes.”
Poor Gabrielle, saying goodbye to another dude. She has a very active dating life. I love how she falls in love in every episode.
(Although, when Talus says, “I never knew a girl who knows every line of Sophocles by heart,” is that the Greek mythological version of “You’re not like other girls”? I lol’d. Normally I’d be unimpressed by that kind of thing, but this version IS pretty adorable.)
Two more important notes:
First, when Sisyphus goes to unchain Celesta, he TOTALLY touches her wrist!! How did he not die when she was unchained?
Second, I still don’t understand why Sisyphus was trying to trap Death in the first place? Was he just preemptively taking action for when he eventually started to die, is that it? I mean tbh I get that, sometimes I get scared about dying too, but it would never occur to me to TRICK DEATH INTO COMING TO MY HOUSE SO I CAN LOCK HER UP. Weird flex, bro.
Best use of chakram: Slicing through the massive tree branch like it’s a chainsaw?? WHAT.
More awesome use of the chakram: It releases the chains that bound Death! I love how Xena just occasionally uses it and it solves all problems. Why does she even bother to wield her sword, ever?
DEVIN:
I assume Sisyphus was already well on his way to attempting to cheat Death, as per the legend, but yes, I don’t like that Sisyphus the Magician is portrayed here as some sort of “used to be a nice guy until ~unnamed misconduct~.” Haven’t heard that before, have we?
I, too, am confused by Xena and Gabrielle’s luggage/wardrobe sitch. LOVED the cute short skirt this week for Gaby, but it’s full length again next week? I guess we’ll never know.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Aye aye aye aye ayes: 2
Best insult to an undead idiot: “You know there’s a high rate of infection in wounds left untreated!”
Season 1, Episode 10: Hooves and Harlots (Midseason finale)
SAGAN:
The episode opens on Xena and Gabrielle traipsing through a forest (as they do). Gabrielle has a new outfit AGAIN. Where did she find it in the woods? How does Xena never need a change of clothes?
Gabrielle has a cute little walking stick! It’s not her iconic quarterstaff, but it’s getting there (hers is taller, isn’t it? Or is my memory incorrect?). She says it could be a walking stick, and then Xena takes it and does some fancy spinning with it, foreshadowing its use as a weapon. Love it.
It turns out they’re in Amazon country, and just as Gabrielle says, “Do you think we’ll see any?” A bunch of arrows fly at them. Uh oh! Luckily, Xena knows the Amazon special signal of peace, which is to clap their hands above their heads (how does Xena know this??)
The leader of these Amazons is Terreis, who is curious about Xena knowing their ways even though “You’re not one of us… and you’re REALLY not one of us,” she adds, looking Gabrielle up and down.
“Don’t judge a squirrel by its paper!”*** Gabrielle says, making Terreis laugh. Terreis decides they need to be taken to the Amazon queen. (I’m not clear on why that is—to let them pass through their land? To make sure they aren’t baddies?)
Terreis and Gabrielle bond while they’re walking together, and she finds out that the Amazon children are taught about philosophy and science, and therefore Gabrielle would have fit in PERFECTLY there, growing up!
“It’s a man’s world, Gabrielle. Not because it should be, but because we let them have it,” Terreis says. Oof. “It’s based on a woman’s weakness. The Amazon world is based on truth, on a woman’s individual strength.” Gabrielle is 100% here for it (obvs).
Suddenly, they’re ambushed! Arrows are flying through the trees but we can’t see the enemy. Terreis is wounded and Gabrielle throws herself upon Terreis, trying to save her… but Terreis dies. Just before she dies, she tells Gabrielle that what she did was something only an Amazon would do for another Amazon, and she insists that Gabrielle needs to take her “right of caste.” (Mysterious!)
Xena and Gabrielle are taken to the Amazon queen, Melosa, and then some other Amazons enter the area with a centaur. They captured him because they think he’s the one who killed Terreis (who happens to be the queen’s sister. Big mistake, centaur. Huge!). Turns out the Amazons and centaurs are at war.
We also learn that Xena doesn’t like centaurs, either. What’s with the prejudice, Xena? It turns out her problem is that she fought against them but didn’t defeat them. XENA DOES NOT LIKE TO LOSE A BATTLE.
Anyway, Xena talks to the centaur, Phantes, and decides he is NOT the one who killed Terreis, after all (also, he’s like… the prince of centaurs, or something). Meanwhile, Queen Melosa meets with the warlord, Krykus, who lives nearby and OMG WHAT IS WITH HIS FACIAL HAIR. I was too distracted by it to pay attention to what they were saying.
She tells Xena that she’ll kill the one who murdered her sister at dawn, or something, so Xena must find the REAL murderer before the centaur is wrongfully executed.
“Only fools and profiteers ask for war,” Xena tells Gabrielle before she departs.
Gabrielle finds out that the “right of caste” she was bestowed 5 minutes ago is actually Terreis’s inheritance… which means Gabrielle is now an Amazon princess and the next in line to the throne! Good deal.
Gabrielle gets Terreis’s clothes, and she says it feels weird, but then she just caresses herself and seems very pleased with the fashion choices. Then she’s told to choose a weapon, and OF COURSE she picks out the fighting staff!
Gabrielle tries to learn how to fight with the staff and keeps accidentally hitting herself in the head with it. While she’s becoming an Amazon princess, Terreis’s friend Ephiny chases after Xena and they start fighting. A centaur is about to kill her when Xena comes along and kills him, so they bond over that.
Okay, what I don’t understand here is that the Amazons and centaurs are at war, right? So… why are they SO upset that the centaurs killed one of them? Isn’t that… a thing that happens in war? Maybe they shouldn’t be at war???
Xena realizes that Krykus the warlord is the one who REALLY killed Terreis: she recognizes the hoof prints in the area where they were attacked as being from a horse rather than a centaur (because centaurs carry the weight on their front hooves, you see, unlike horses).
There’s some dancing around the fire and Gabrielle joins in (it seems to be her ceremonial swearing-in to become an Amazon. How has she not discussed this with Xena at all?? Like, “Hold on, babes, I gotta talk this over with my bestie before I join your family,” or something?). She’s having a wonderful time dancing, looking to be honest kind of like me when I’m dancing at the club.
The mourning period for Terreis lasted barely a few hours, and it turns out that Gabrielle is the one who needs to avenge Terreis’s murderer the following day. Uh oh.
Xena and Ephiny go to the warlord’s camp and Ephiny discovers that there are centaur arrows at the camp (which means they deliberately tricked the Amazons into thinking a centaur killed their princess), while Xena confronts the warlord about it. They hurry back to the Amazons to report the news, and the warlord has a very evil smile as he envisions the centaurs and Amazons killing each other.
Xena arrives back in time JUST as Gabrielle has her knife poised at the centaur’s heart, because the Amazons are forcing her to kill him.
Xena interrupts the execution but gets a little distracted by Gabrielle’s attire: “What’s this?”
Gabrielle shrugs, looking a little guilty. “I’m an Amazon princess?”
“Great,” Xena rolls her eyes.
It turns out, the only way to prevent Phantes from being killed is if an Amazon challenges the queen, and since Gabrielle is now an Amazon, she challenges Queen Melosa and chooses Xena to be her champion.
It’s all Xena’s idea, and it takes a lot of meaningful glances to get Gabrielle to realize what her role in this is.
“We gotta come up with some hand signals or something,” Gabrielle informs Xena.
Xena and Queen Melosa fight, and *shockingly,* Xena wins! But obviously she doesn’t kill the queen. Instead, it turns out she BECOMES the new queen, since she won the challenge!
Wow, Gabrielle and Xena both become Amazons within about 12 hours.
Right then, the centaurs arrive to go into battle with the Amazons. Xena gives a speech and ensures peace between the centaurs and Amazons! They team up against the warlord and his minions, and avenge Terreis. So nice to see them all bonding by killing a bunch of bad guys, side by side.
The episode wraps up with Ephiny gifting Gabrielle a proper fighting staff! So THAT’S how she gets her iconic weapon!!!
DEVIN:
Okay, first of all, hello and welcome to our first mid-season finale! We’ve already made it so far, I can hardly believe it. It seems fitting that by Episode 10, we’re already recycling storylines: don’t you remember that Episode 5, The Path Not Taken, had an identical double cross wherein a local warlord stood to profit from two armies/families/clans/species (um, I mean Amazons and Centaurs) fighting? Obviously Hooves and Harlots takes the feminism up a notch (and I’m here for it) but we’re already revisiting some key plot components. I expect more from creator Sam Raimi! (But oh man, to be fair, there is a lot more coming.)
That being said, this is an *iconic* episode. We have feminism, the Amazons, and for me, I think, the first moments where Gabrielle sort of loses track of the narrative that’s happening to her. You can see her all throughout this episode, reveling in the idea of becoming an Amazon without really understanding what that means until it’s almost too late. I had the feeling she didn’t tell Xena because she was so delighted by this for herself, she also didn’t really take it seriously, like it couldn’t be real or couldn’t be happening to her. She finally realizes when she’s given the execution order (and for the record, she seems ready to go through with it).
In later seasons when things get heavy (heavy in my memory, I was 9, who knows, maybe it’s all fun and games for all six seasons and I just took it too seriously) Gabrielle will lose some of her wide-eyed wonder and delight in the stories that happen to her because they make such a rift in the friendship between the two women. But in this episode, she’s still on the edge. The interaction between our heroines when Xena returns from… wherever she was (the forest? idk) and Gabrielle says “I’m an Amazon princess?!” and Xena responds with “great” is perfect, like what could possibly happen next.
Anyway, there is plenty of fun stuff in this episode, aside from the feminists who are clearly supposed to be Very Serious and Not Funny. It’s too bad, because, as we know, feminists are funny as hell.
Here are some other things I thought were funny as hell:
Is Terreis Shakira?
Is Krykos a Baldwin brother with a soul patch?
I kept thinking Ephiny’s name was Epiphany, but it’s not, maybe.
Xena says she fought the centaurs at Corinth. I’m sorry weren’t they just at Corinth last week who is keeping track of the timeline for this show, choose another ancient Greek battle site!
You did not comment on the CGI used for the centaurs. It is kind of hilarious but also kind of good? Like what happened between the Prometheus episode and this one? They keep trying to hide the centaurs bodies when they’re speaking and sort of awkwardly jumping around and it’s not great but it’s also oodles better than the poor eagle-men of the Prometheus episode.
Gabrielle’s dancing proves she was the Elaine of ancient Greece.
This, honest to goodness, map of the area in question that several different peoples and species are fighting over and could result in the deaths of whole communities, that Xena refers to, seriously, with, “This map hardly has a mention of the centaur territory”:
I’M SORRY NO, A CHILD COULD DO BETTER.
At one point Xena and Epiphany are trying to find the centaurs and Xena says “look, centaur tracks” and I screamed because EPIPHANY PICKS UP A BUNCH OF POOP AND SAYS “YOU’RE RIGHT, CENTAURS DON’T EAT HAY.” Xena meant the hoof prints, as you mentioned, but honestly, when this literal CENTAUR POOP became a Chekhov’s gun later and Xena ends up handing Gabrielle a pile of centaur shit and says what Ephiny stated earlier about the diets of centaurs to prove once and for all who was the guilty party, I laughed and laughed and I think this show is really starting to hit its stride but honestly missed the nuance of the climax of the episode.
SAGAN:
YES, this episode totally connects back to episode 5. Interesting how in that episode, Gabrielle wasn’t a central player and she needed to be rescued (although she wasn’t helpless)... in this episode, it’s almost flipped: she does the (attempted) rescuing in the first 3 minutes and she plays a key role. Also: whereas in episode 5, there were concerns about Xena returning to her warlord ways, instead, this episode doesn’t have any of those concerns, even though there are warlords and more reminders of Xena’s past, with her fighting the centaurs at Corinth.
Episode 10 mirrors AND builds on the story arc in episode 5!
We’ll let our readers decide! What do you all think?
100%, yes:
They TOTALLY pronounce it Epiphany. And I mean, there are multiple epiphanies that people have on this episode, so… intentional?
Yet again, WHAT IS THE TIMELINE of this show? What even is time???
I had already written THREE PAGES of the recap, I’m sorry, I could not include every element, but you are right, the CGI of the centaurs was hilarious. The way they kept moving looked like they were on a boat.
Thank you for making me cackle, this assessment is extremely accurate.
LOLOL
I too screamed.
All in all, an excellent first mid-season finale!
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
“You know, I just thought of something, you’re a warrior princess, and I’m an Amazon princess. That’s going to make such a great story!” lol Gabrielle
“Making war is simple; making peace is never easy. If it was, everyone would do it.” - Xena
This week’s Medical Miracle: Xena stabs a centaur in the side to pull out an arrow head or some shit and then with her whole, unwashed, dirty hand fully inside the centaur as he moans, casually says, “his rib has punctured a lung, get me an awl and some leather string” or some nonsense and just sews him up like an old-timey Christmas parcel.
***It wasn’t “don’t judge a squirrel by its paper,” you, who are a literal PUBLISHED AUTHOR, it’s “don’t judge a scroll by its paper”. Turn on your subtitles. - Devin