Episode 17 & 18: The Royal Couple of Thieves & The Prodigal
In which we're both too distracted by the fantastic concept of *Robin Hood meets Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Murder Mystery* to actually pay attention to the premise
Season 1, Episode 17: The Royal Couple of Thieves
DEVIN
We open in another Medieval village where a cloaked man with a tiny crossbow is about to steal a jewel. He grabs it, but it’s a set up! Xena is trying to get his attention. He runs off and she chases him through a market by tightroping along clothes lines and finally catches him. Well, well, well, if it isn’t cult favourite Bruce Campbell, entering the X:WPU as our charismatic Autolycus, King of Thieves, doing a very fun Men in Tights thing.
Fun fact, Bruce Campbell was childhood friends with Sam Raimi, and directed the first episode of Hercules’ first season. He popped up again in the Hercules universe but we’ll see a whole lot more of him in the seasons to come which is great because Autolycus is a perfect Xena character, a good natured rogue who has excellent chemistry with our girls and a heart of gold, under a sleazy exterior.
Anyway, while I was distracted by Bruce Campbell’s charm, I missed the premise, which I *think* is that some unnamed ‘friend of Xena’ had a special chest stolen from them, or taken in some way [maybe Sagan caught this] and Xena and Autolycus hatch a plan to pretend to be a particularly gruesome bad guy named Sinteres and go to some Greek island to bid on the chest which is … up for auction? Also apparently it’s a weapon? We’ll figure it out.
There are several unsavoury characters on the boat, and though Xena wants Autolycus to pretend to be a collector and she can be his assistant (there are some Indiana Jones vibes emerging), he can’t help but try to turn the tables on her and announces she is a concubine named ‘Cherish’.
They make it to the castle where they’re going where the new owner, a man named … I missed it, (sorry the chemistry is really distracting) and he elaborately explains all the security devices guarding this chest which looks suspiciously like an ark [🧐] including invisible hairs and an elaborate bell system. Luckily Xena has the King of Thieves so this should be a cinch! He forces her to conduct an elaborate dance which is some sort of jazzy Aladdin music (offensive to both jazz, and Arab music, btw) while wearing, by the way, a truly demeaning and uncomfortable-looking brocaded velvet corset.
But at the end of the evening our host is dead and Xena and Autolycus set off the alarm while discovering this which means this is now Robin Hood meets Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Murder Mystery.
Our two attempted thieves run back to their room but uh oh someone has moved the chest in there already! And a guard is on his way to search the room. “Multi-million dollar castle and no closet space,” Autolycus mutters, indignantly. They distract the guards and put back the chest (?) while Xena pretends to seduce someone else but then suddenly we’re outdoors and it turns out someone new has arrived overnight! It’s the REAL Sinteres, and he’s had Gabrielle kidnapped this whole time. AND he, like Xena, can use pressure points to kill people and is therefore Very Dangerous.
He and the other local bad guys (honestly no idea who’s who, sorry!) want to test out this weapon and round up a bunch of local townspeople to test it on and off they go to a cave while Xena and Autolycus help out Gabrielle and then instruct her to follow them and mark a trail. Gabrielle promptly does a terrible job and is caught in about two seconds and dragged off to the cave.
But Xena and Bruce are hot on their heels! We get to the cave and one of the honestly sillier fight scenes in this series -- and that’s saying something. Xena and Sinteres face off, flexing their fingers ominously so they can fight by catching each other’s pressure points. And Sinteres does this by whirling his hands and fingers around as though they’re nunchuks with excellent whooshing sound effects. Anyway, they basically have a 3 minute fight scene where they try to poke each other a bunch. Luckily the trio manages to defeat Sinteres and his gang and save the villagers! But one bad guy makes it over to the chest which he opens, and, in a scene directly lifted from Raiders of the Lost Ark, a bright white light emerges from it. Xena read the top of the chest earlier and it said “face your fears,” or something so she instructs them all not to run away and they all stand in the glorious light. But the bad guy is terrified and turns to run and the white light sends a column of fire through him and burns him to a crisp so he’s just a husk lying on the floor. Yikes.
They all creep over to the ark after all, because YEP it’s that ark! Bruce pulls out a tablet “Don’t steal from your neighbour? Don’t lie? Who would follow these rules” or something along those lines because yes, my friends, it’s the 10 commandments a few thousand years before they get jostled around enough to turn into dust and kill a bunch of Nazis in the desert!
They give the ark back to what I can only assume is a small group of early Christians (though they’re never referred to as such) and say goodbye to Autolycus. Til next time, King of Thieves! Good luck, Christiandom!
SAGAN
Okay I 100% want an entire TV show based on this single episode: The Xena, Robin Hood, Indiana Jones Murder Mystery Show.
I am OBSESSED with this episode and distilled my thoughts into point-form stream of consciousness because this was all I could manage while I was sitting on the edge of my seat throughout this roller-coaster-of-a-mash-up-of-various-homages-from-different-classic-stories episode...
A Robin Hood retelling!!! Except he’s the KING of Thieves now, instead of the Prince of Thieves. Why is he King? (Come to that, why does Robin Hood traditionally depict himself as Prince instead of King? Think bigger! Have a little self-esteem!) This makes me want to watch the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, AKA the only Robin Hood that matters, AKA our favourite movie when we were kids.
The chemistry between Xena and Robin Hood is palpable. And their banter is adorable. Lovable rogues are perfect for Xena.
Xena WALKS A TIGHTROPE (aka the clothesline). That’s a strong clothesline!
Robin Hood mentions something about “Didn’t Hercules tell you…,” so yet again, we REALLY need to watch some of the Hercules crossover episodes.
Why is Xena’s hair frizzy in this episode? It’s very distracting. Normally, as Gabrielle so aptly pointed out in Episode 15, Xena’s hair is so shiny and pretty!
The stylists on this show must have so much fun. I want to be friends with them. (...or maybe the clothing is extremely appropriative, yet again. Hmm. I’m not sure)
The whip! The Ark of the Covenant! This episode is basically a combo of Robin Hood and Indiana Jones, and THAT IS PERFECTION.
This dude guarding the Ark of the Covenant looks like the priest in Robin Hood! I am obsessed with all of this.
Is… is that Pink Panther music while Xena dances to distract everyone so Robin Hood can steal stuff??? I feel like I know that music from somewhere.
Xena needs to dress up in skimpy outfits and dance as a form of distraction A LOT on this show. I can’t believe this is happening YET AGAIN. She looks like she’s having a lot of fun with it, though, especially when she knocks out random dudes using her signature finger-on-the-artery move to block the windpipe (or whatever she’s doing when she does that. I don’t know how anatomy works. I’m a writer, dammit, not a doctor!).
Xena uses the chakram to cut the rope on the Ark of the Covenant while she’s busy “distracting” Arkel (aka making out with him), which is HELLA TALENTED. She does it without looking! And then catches it again! I’m impressed.
Just as I was wondering, where did Gabrielle go?? ...the baddie named Sinteres shows up with her—he KIDNAPPED her! How dare you sir! I’m obviously outraged but also this happens in like every other episode so it really shouldn’t be shocking at this point.
Evil guy’s move is to basically do the Five-Point-Palm Exploding-Heart-Technique. Were the people who wrote/directed/produced this episode also involved in Kill Bill? I would bet A LOT of money that this is yet another idea that Quentin Tarantino was inspired by and “borrowed” (*cough* stole *cough*) for his own work.
Arkel OPENS THE ARK OF THE COVENANT, dude, what are you doing. It’s like he didn’t even watch Raiders of the Lost Ark!!!
...Except that Xena says to Gabrielle and Robin Hood, “Don’t fear the truth… Face it. Don’t run.” and honestly I’m TOTALLY HERE for that messaging, this is totally different than what happens in India Jones! (Also now I’m getting biblical vibes of Adam vs Lilith, where Lilith wants truth & isn’t afraid to face it and that’s why she’s cast out of the Garden of Eden, and… that feels like a whole rabbit hole we could go down in our Xena analysis at some point)
The music sounds like Legends of Zelda: Ocarina of Time… which, by the way, came out 2 years AFTER this episode of Xena. Just saying.
I love that the episode ends with Gabrielle stealing Robin Hood’s ring back. Go G go!
Lastly, I was vaguely annoyed the entire time watching this episode because I was thinking, “Who IS this actor who plays Robin Hood? He looks so familiar!”, so thank you for identifying him and now I feel very embarrassed that I didn’t recognize Bruce immediately. Sorry, Bruce.
I’m so glad he’s going to be a recurring character on the X:WPU! I’ll accept him as a replacement for Marcus.
DEVIN
I’m very happy you caught all these bad guys’ names but I notice that you too were so distracted by the chemistry and the stunts and the costumes that you missed the same parts of the plot that I missed. You know what though? It was so fun that I don’t care! Where is Autolycus’ spin off!!
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Sinteres is meant to be some sort of philosopher king which leads Autolycus to attempting to make up proverbs like:
“A woman’s chastity is like a new hat,” looks up to see Xena, “she’s going to kill me.”
“When you’re hungry it must be… time to eat.”
This exchange made me lol:
Gabrielle: “Ooh I love this ring.”
Robin Hood: “I got it from a princess.”
G, absently, still admiring the ring: “Was it a gift?”
RH, adoringly: “...You are so young.”
Season 1, Episode 18: The Prodigal
SAGAN
OH MY GOD at first I thought this was a musical episode because it begins with Gabrielle playing a flute! Very disappointed that it wasn’t a musical, after all.
Xena and Gabrielle get set upon by galloping hordes, and the dude Gabrielle fights also has a staff—which is handy since that’s her weapon of choice (meanwhile, Xena fights off a hundred bad guys with swords).
Gabrielle throws a rock at the main baddie, hitting him in the head and knocking him out, very emblematic of a David & Goliath situation. But that particular baddie was holding onto a cart full of logs, which then drives straight for Gabrielle! And SHE FREEZES. Uh oh.
Luckily Xena saves her. But the experience freaks out Gabrielle, who suddenly realizes that she might not be cut out for their lifestyle.
“Act, don’t react. Go with your gut,” Xena says.
“I’m just a liability,” Gabrielle insists.
“It’s a risk I can take.”
“I can’t.”
Xena, realization dawning: “I can’t help you with this… You need to figure it out yourself.”
Gabrielle tells Xena she’s going back home, because “sometimes you need your family to solve things,” and ouch. Xena’s your family! (but also, ouch because this pandemic has made seeing family a million times harder this year, and I don’t like it.)
Gabrielle then tries to hitchhike by… flaunting herself at passing wagons??? She manages to get picked up by the same wagoner from, I think, Episode 1??? I approve.
Gabrielle comes into a town which is completely burned down. Uh oh. A tired man is dealing with graves, and explains that the town was beset upon by the tyrant Damon. He says “Pity the folks of Potidaea,” because that’s where Damon is headed next, which is HER town! She runs to save the people there.
The town is quiet… TOO quiet. Gabrielle opens a door and finds that all of the townsfolk are hiding and waiting for some big warrior dude, Meleager the Mighty, who arrives immediately after Gabrielle and turns out to be drunk. Uh oh.
Gabrielle reunites with her sister, Lila, but Lila is pretty upset that Gabrielle skipped town to go adventuring with Xena.
Meleager the Mighty is still drunk, so when a few enemy scouts arrive, Gabrielle and Lila tie ropes to him to hold him upright (IS THIS WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S???)
When Meleager sobers up a bit, he grouses about the horrors of being in battle to Gabrielle, and she realizes, “You lost your nerve… that’s why you drink.” Oof. Anyway, she starts to understand him a little bit. Gabrielle begins battle plans with Meleager, and frankly he would be LOST without Gabrielle’s help.
Next Gabrielle and Lila have a heart-to-heart, and there’s a lot of emotions coming up in this episode. They sorta patch things up—Lila begrudgingly understands why Gabrielle left, and is more amenable when she stops taking it so personally. At that moment, they discover the Meleager is missing, and Gabrielle of course figures out immediately that he was dragged off etc. (Hey Gabrielle, maybe you’re made of stronger stuff than you think!)
Evil Guy with the spider tattoo on his face and the OUTRAGEOUS moustache tries to convince Meleager to join him, and then one of his guards brings Gabrielle in front of him, who naturally tries to talk herself out of it.
“Do any of us really know who we are? And anyway, it was Sophocles who,” Gabrielle begins, and I wish they didn’t cut her off because I’d love to hear where she was going with that next!
“What are you doing here?” Meleager demands, while they’re both locked up together.
“What does it look like? I’m rescuing you!” Gabrielle says impatiently.
“That’s not what it looks like,” Meleager points out. Touché, buddy.
Gabrielle and Meleager escape and go back to the town, and Gabrielle plans the entire town's defence. It’s a town defence montage!
...But then Meleager steals the town’s money and runs off, the traitor. The townsfolk are ready to evacuate until Lila stands up for Gabrielle, tells everyone they don’t need some boring old guy to lead them, and that Gabrielle can lead them.
We then get a montage of TOWN TRAPS as the enemy arrives. I feel like we’re watching the Ancient Greek version of Home Alone!
The town wins Round 1, but then the mayor or town selectman or whoever the guy is freaks out, and he’s ready to surrender… when Meleager comes back! Way to come back JUST IN TIME for the victory battle, buddy.
Anyway, Meleager actually shows up like the warrior he’s famed to be, and throws javelins at the enemy to wipe them out. Then it’s just Damon and Meleager facing off, they have a swordfight, and Meleager’s about to lose, when Gabrielle shouts out Xena’s line earlier of “Act, don’t react!” which helps Meleager get out of his freeze. He kills Damon by tossing his sword in the air and then pushing Damon on the ground so that the sword lands directly on him. Not quite a Xena-chakram-move, but still pretty good!
Town selectman at the victory celebration: “Oh, sure, there were a few tense moments… but I never doubted it!” This guy is SUCH a Taylor Doose, just saying.
Gabrielle and Lila have yet another heart-to-heart, and Lila assures Gabrielle that she should go back to Xena again. Mostly this episode is just kinda heartbreaking because I am v. jealous of Gabrielle’s geographical proximity to her sister in this episode.
Gabrielle leaves her town to find Xena, and she comes across THE EXACT SAME SITUATION as the first scene of the episode! She’s surrounded and outnumbered, alone without Xena when they attack… and this time, she fights back and DOES NOT FREEZE!! She’s about to fight the last of them when Xena shows up, tosses her chakram and scares everyone off.
They reunite happily and all is well with the world!
This episode gave me all the feels <3
DEVIN
I’m not crying, you’re crying! I’m also jealous that Gabrielle gets to go see her sister after all this time apart, because it reminds me how long it’s been since I’ve seen you :( I like that this episode is all about how you can’t choose your family but sometimes you need them anyway. Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship is so deeply respectful and supportive of each other, in an era of television that so often pitted women against each other. When Xena realizes after the cold open that she can’t help Gabrielle get through this situation, but that she’ll have to face it herself, there is no conflict or confrontation between the two women, just the heartbroken realization that they’ll have to be apart until Gabrielle figures herself out. And even better, Xena gives her that space to grow, and doesn’t end up in Potidaea to save the day -- Gabrielle manages to deal with everything in the town herself, including rebuilding her relationship with her sister, gaining the trust and support of the township by being their leader, and definitely not least by helping Meleager find his way again. By the end of the episode, Gabrielle has grown and our two heroines have become stronger partners by letting each other go.
I love it.
But there are also plenty of fun moments in this episode too! My favourites are:
Gabrielle’s flute playing at the beginning of the episode has to be seen to be believed
When Gabrielle arrives in Potidaea and opens the door to the cellar everyone is hiding in and they cheer, you think she’s finally about to get her Xena-level welcome, but instead the cheering abruptly peters out and everyone is like wait who are you.
Gabrielle overcomes her fear in the final episode by epically pole vaulting over the wagon full of sharpened logs, and I love it for her (although a wagon of sharpened logs? Not a great ambush set up in my opinion but who am I).
The town selectman’s quilted vest is another great outfit:
The montage of preparing the town for battle and then each townsperson doing their part to sabotage the invaders and then celebrating their own moves is perfect, I saved these screenshots just for us:
My final thought though is that I wish the Maori extras in this show got to play real characters, so often they’re relegated to ‘generic bad guy’ in a gang or something, like in the opening and closing scenes when they try to ambush our girls.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Gabby has her own tiny ayeayeayeayeayeaye in this one!
“Now, I know it’s just a myth, but there’s often a kernel of truth in even the wildest story.” Love this wink and nod to the 4th wall.
“Another 22 leagues to go??? How is it man can solve the riddle of the Sphinx but he still can’t make a decent road map.”