Episode 13 & 14: Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards & A Fistful of Dinars
The most meta issue of the GabStack to date... plus an appearance from someone in Xena's past!
Season 1, Episode 13: Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards
DEVIN:
Back in the day when television was 24 episodes a season (honestly it’s shocking to remember those days), every now and then in a season, for some reason there’s a filler episode. Either because the writers had to catch up? Or the star needed a week off? I don’t know I am not a tv historian! But episode 13, Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards is one of these old filler episodes. And even though it’s the lowest-scored episode of the season on IMDB, and that my young self used to hate a filler episode because you waited all week for your favourite show and then it’s just a rehash, I actually kind of loved this one. Maybe because it’s really Gabrielle’s time to shine here, and the review of the season so far is actually pretty fun. So yes, as I wrote in my notes, “Are we going to have to… recap Gabrielle recapping our recaps this episode?” Yes, yes we are.
Gabrielle’s been practicing her barding skills in local taverns as she and Xena journey through ancient Greece and have adventures. A local Youth congratulates her on her skills and asks if she’s going to join the competition in Athens. Despite the Youth’s father implying that being a bard is not for young ladies, and says her story was ‘cute’ and suggests no one wants to hear stories about housework (“Cute? Housework?” Gabrielle stews afterward) she decides to go off and try her skills. GO GET IT GABS.
Gabrielle scams her way into the Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards because she didn’t submit a scroll in advance, and we’ve got a who’s who of ancient Greek storytelling, like the delightfully pompous Euripedes and the Youth from the opening, who’s trying to figure out his own future nom de plume.
It quickly turns out that Gabrielle is the best storyteller here. As the episode progresses, we get episode recaps of Sins of the Past, Death in Chains, Cradle of Hope, Prometheus. But the best part is that while Gabrielle is recapping the first half of the season, whenever her new friend ‘Orion’, Euripedes, Twickenham and other boys practice telling stories, they’re literally describing scenes from 1960’s ‘Spartacus’ with accompanying clips and it’s truly so unexpectedly genius and delightful, I am HERE FOR IT. Except for the few other flashbacks to the Xena prequels in Hercules which I guess maybe we should watch at this point.
Anyway, eventually Gabrielle is disqualified from the competition because she didn’t submit her application properly or something but all her new friends stick up for her and Euripedes declares if she can’t compete, “then we shall all join the army of the dispossessed!”
So she does perform and she wins her way back in with nothing less than the entirety of the baby tossing scene from Episode 4: Cradle of Hope, and so, whoever wrote this episode is hilarious and my new favourite writer.
And the Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards announces, “Art will never take second place to rules and regulations!”
And then Gabrielle’s new, kind friend Orion tells her his name is actually Homer AND THEN HOMER RECITES 1960’S SPARTACUS AS HIS FINAL PERFORMANCE AND THE MOST FAMOUS STORYTELLER IN HISTORY IS BORN.
And Gabrielle decides that having adventures is just as important as telling them and rejoins Xena on their walk across New Zealand.
SAGAN:
“Are we going to have to… recap Gabrielle recapping our recaps this episode?” THIS IS THE MOST META ISSUE OF THE GABSTACK WE’VE DONE YET!
Gabrielle’s impassioned narration is excellent. I like this episode as a recap for two reasons:
Back in the 90s, when we watched this show the way it was released on TV, there were always going to be episodes you’d miss for whatever reason (remember when you’d go to tape something and the tape wouldn’t work? It was DEVASTATING). So, recap episodes like this are a fun refresher of anything a viewer might have missed!
This entire episode is done in such a fun way that it really contributes to the overarching Xena plot—Gabrielle has been talking about her enjoyment of storytelling pretty much since the start of the show, so this totally matches up. This reminds me of episodes like the how the musical episode in Buffy is based on a singing demon, so that it actually MAKES SENSE to the plot of the show, which personally I think is way more creative and clever than when the writers randomly do a musical episode for no particular reason.
(...Yes, I just said that a singing demon makes sense in the Buffyverse. I digress.)
Gabrielle teaching the other bards-in-training and encouraging them to include stories with excitement and morals is adorable. And how they are sitting there, hanging on to her every word! Tbh I would do the same.
But legit, there are some good storytelling tips in this episode, e.g. one of her new friends who is struggling to tell engaging stories:
“I used to be good at storytelling… back then I didn’t care about if the audience liked my story—just if I did.”
Yes, exactly! You SHOULD tell stories for your own enjoyment!
“Stop focusing on the destination… It’s the journey that’s the fun part. Every day is a new adventure, a new challenge.” - #GabrielleWisdom
Also, this exchange:
“Who trained you?”
“Trained me? Oh, no one. Not in the classical sense. I just like stories.”
YES.
Oh my GOD Euripedes’s HAIR. I’m dying. I can’t stop laughing at the hairstyles in every single episode we watch.
Also laughing at the room bookings:
“You’re in the Hall of Zeus, Room 12.” Lolol
“I specifically asked for the double bed with a view,” Gabrielle says, then sighs, “All artists suffer for their art.”
I can’t believe we got to see a flashback of Xena’s introduction in Hercules! This makes me REALLY want to watch those prequel episodes.
And Gabrielle has kissed so many dudes since she left home! She would CRUSH it on Tinder. (Except she’d be on Bumble because it’s more feminist than Tinder, or OK Cupid because it would give her a chance to write an intricately detailed description on her profile.)
I did some extremely quick Googling, and the director of this episode, Jace Alexander, was also involved with Clueless—which, if you’ll remember, has a whole subplot where Cher watches Spartacus with Christian. Is Jace Alexander the reason why we see Spartacus snippets in this episode? Does he love Spartacus, or is contractually obligated to feature Spartacus in everything he’s involved in? I have questions!
DEVIN:
Also in my notes, “They’re all bunking in dorms. Love that for them.”
I especially like when all the barding boys are rooting for Gabrielle, it’s very sweet and supportive and reminds me of the Great British Bake Off.
Gabrielle has really been having her sexual awakening since she left home, she’s kissed a lot of dudes. Get it girl.
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
You know what, I’ve never actually seen Spartacus.
Season 1, Episode 14: A Fistful of Dinars
SAGAN:
This episode begins with a fight/chase scene (this show is good for consistency in storytelling style): The first aye-aye-aye-aye happens at approximately 1:07, in which Xena is chasing a rogue who stole one of the 4 clues to the Sumerian treasure.
Part of the clue is a map on a piece of parchment, so Xena reads the map, then immediately EATS THE PARCHMENT so no one else can read it. (A very normal response)
Thersites, an assassin, has 2 more clues to find the treasure, so Xena decides to collaborate with him to discover the lost treasure of the Sumerians. The fourth clue is in the possession of Petracles, who Xena was once betrothed to! She does *not* have any lovey dovey feelings toward him anymore. Xena and Gabrielle reluctantly team up with Thersites and Petracles, because all of them want to find the treasure and none of them are willing to give up their clues.
It turns out that part of the treasure of the Sumerians is ambrosia, AKA the food of the gods, which if I remember correctly is a big ~problem~ down the line with Gabrielle’s future evil daughter Hope, isn’t it? Eep! I don’t want Gabrielle’s evil daughter to come into the story yet!
Gabrielle is kinda keen on Petracles, because obviously she always needs to have a love interest in every episode. They banter back and forth to see which one of them is a better sweet talker, each of them citing examples from their previous escapades (which is a fun continuation of the recap from last episode, on Gabrielle’s part!).
The culmination of this banter is when Petracles makes this comment:
“I talked Xena into marrying me!”
…At which point Gabrielle scoffs and looks like she’s ready to respond, but Xena interrupts them at that point. I’m pretty sure if Gabrielle wasn’t interrupted, she would have responded with a triumphant, “Who cares if you talked Xena into marrying you? I’m with Xena now! I win!”
Anyway, Xena and Gabrielle are now teamed up with the assassin Thersites and the warlord Petracles. A group of townsfolk come along and get angry because Thersites didn’t kill someone who he was hired to kill on their behalf, and our foursome prepare to fight (Gabrielle’s weapon of choice: swinging her satchel). But Thersites kills the main dude and the rest go running.
Here’s the thing: These people never. appear. again. This entire exchange makes zero sense—and the confusion in this episode just keeps going.
Moments later, Xena & Gabrielle and their two new frenemies are beset upon by arrows while they cross a rickety bridge. I’m getting serious Shrek/Donkey vibes from this scene as they all cross the bridge in single file. Thersites tries to sneak past Gabrielle and is basically responsible for the bridge breaking before Xena can get across! Dude, come on. Learn how to be a team player!
Then Thersites CLIMBS OVER GABRIELLE on the broken bridge, the jerk! Luckily Xena does a flying leap through the air across the gorge, lands expertly right next to Gabrielle, somehow doesn’t break the bridge further, and helps Gabrielle get up the cliff. Petracles assists both of them and gazes longingly into both of their eyes as he does so.
Gabrielle is rightfully extremely indignant because Thersites nearly killed her to save his own skin. Xena isn’t pleased with Thersites, either, but her bigger concern is with Petracles. Gabrielle’s all like, “Nah, Petracles is a cutie.” Classic Gabrielle.
Naturally, Gabrielle and Petracles kiss a couple minutes later. Gabrielle hastily puts and end to it and goes running to Xena but doesn’t say anything. So Xena responds like any normal person and comes up behind Petracles in the middle of the night, gets THIS CLOSE to killing him with her bare hands, and warns him to stay away from Gabrielle.
Especially if we’re looking at this through the queer subtext, I can’t decide if this is jealous behaviour (“Gabrielle is mine, stay away from her!”) or if this is protective behaviour (“Gabrielle deserves way better than you!”). My money’s on a combo deal of both.
The following day, our foursome arrive at the Temple of Demeter (where they need to get a jewel, because… I don’t know exactly), and Gabrielle tries to lie her way to the people there:
“We come from Nonameia!”
“Hmmm, I’ve never heard of Nonameia.”
LOL
Anyway, then Xena and Petracles create a diversion by throwing tons of spears, and that’s when Gabrielle and Thersites steal the jewel. Unfortunately, Thersites botches it (he’s a WAY better assassin than a thief, imo), and they need to be saved by Xena and Petracles before getting killed by the temple people.
Mount Poulis (which apparently they’re near?) is about to blow, according to the rumbling of the ground. Somehow I TOTALLY missed that they were near a volcano? I’m not paying as much attention to all of the details of this episode, apparently, whoops.
Anyway, they’ve now arrived at some statues that give entrance to the mountain, I suppose, which presumably has the treasure beyond it, and they share their clues, which combine end up being this sentence:
“The teacher’s student is not incorrect.”
“Pupil!” Gabrielle says. I want her on my team for crosswords, trivia night, etc.
Xena: “It’s a double negative!”
That’s when they figure out that the clue is referring to the pupil of an eye. The map, Xena goes on, said “neither east nor west,” so the jewel needs to be placed in the pupil of the middle statue’s eye.
They figure out the meaning of all of these clues within like two seconds.
The light hits just right and the door opens. Xena tells Petracles to NOT pull the ring on this big podium, so obviously he does it (Come on, Petracles! Have you learned nothing??), and that’s when the floor opens up and they all land in the treasure chamber.
(But… that’s exactly where they wanted to go, so why was Xena insisting that he be careful a moment ago? I’m confused)
Thersites finds the Titan key, which is what leads to the ambrosia cave (which, as we went over earlier, is the food of the gods, AKA turns mortal people into gods), so off he goes into the cave. The screen went black at this point, but it seems like Thersites grabbed Gabrielle and escaped the cave with her, somehow, without Xena being able to stop him? How are Thersites and Gabrielle running through daylight when they were trapped underground a moment ago??
I feel like this episode should be much more straightforward than I’m making it sound in this recap.
Xena and Petracles go through the “Hall of Silence” so they can’t make any noise through it, and honestly they seem kinda loud as they’re walking through the hall, but they make it out okay. They get to the ambrosia at the exact same time as Gabrielle and Thersites! I do not understand the layout of these caves and the geography of it all.
Thersites is SO CLOSE to killing Gabrielle, UGH. He has a knife to her throat! Get that weapon away from her!
Petracles saves Gabrielle and gets a knife through the gut from Thersites as a result (twist! Gabrielle was a better judge of character than Xena!)
Xena fights Thersites and somehow he manages to hold his own against her for way too long. Xena should be able to take this dude out way easier! She had no problem defeating him in the opening credits of this episode.
Thersites is defeated and Petracles also dies. Xena feels bad for doubting Petracles, but oh well!
Xena and Gabrielle toss the ambrosia into… the volcano, or something? I’m not sure exactly what this fiery river is. I assume it must be the volcano they mentioned earlier.
The purpose of tossing the ambrosia in there is to “return it to the gods,” but I’m not sure how that works? Also, “We don’t need it anymore.” Why did anyone need it before?
“I was wrong about Petracles. He was a good man,” Xena says.
“He was,” Gabrielle agrees, and then—closing credits.
What?? That was the most abrupt ending to an episode yet.
I don’t know how I feel about this episode. This one should have gotten a lower IMDB rating than the previous episode!
Petracles has similar fashion sense to Xena and TOTALLY has the same vibe—no wonder Gabrielle has a thing for him!
DEVIN:
Yes this episode is confusing. I took zero notes but just jotted down my favourite lines and the questions that I had despite paying close attention for the entire episode! So, my questions:
How is ambrosia connected to the ancient Sumerian treasure?
Why is it all under an active volcano?
What is the key of the Titans and how is it linked to the ambrosia or the treasure?
Why and how did they need the eyeball jewel from the temple of Demeter to get into the Sumerian cave under the volcano?
How did four idiots get the clues for the ancient treasure of Sumerians?
What is the hall of silence?
Obviously the only way into the treasure chamber was pulling on the lever that Xena told Petracles not to pull on so…. Petracles was right after all?
Why and how did Thersites and Gabrielle leave the cave when he got the Titans key or whatever?
How did all four of them end up in the ambrosia cave despite the fact that Xena and Petracles had to take a loud walk through the hall of silence while Thersites and Gabrielle were simultaneously on a walk in the woods? Where is the ambrosia cave???
Why is the ambrosia cave decorated with fortune teller-style red drapes and purple beaded curtains?
I feel… Tired by that episode, and not really sure what the point was. I think the only takeaway we have here is the introduction to ambrosia, which, as you note, definitely plays a role in later seasons and episodes, so I assume the volcano doesn’t actually consume all of it??
And finally, this might be a hot take, but Gabrielle and Thersites had fun energy! and I thought it was creepy as hell that Petracles was trying to hook up with Gabrielle by talking about his almost-marriage to Xena? Weird, no?
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS:
“Assassination is for pay, murder is for… kicks.”
“Please feel free to drink the ceremonial wine.”
“Mm, I could use a shot.”
Remember when we were small we used to peel the sections of clementines and break apart the inside of the fruit and pretend it was ambrosia.